Things women tell me they feel guilty about:
Sleeping in and not getting a workout in before work
Not getting up at 5am to start work early
Earning more than male peers or partners (if lucky enough!)
Leaving the office before others
Not being there for kids while working
Working out, when you should be at home doing something for the kids
Asking working mothers to stay back late at the office
Making mistakes at work
Not being thin enough / well dressed enough / good enough - full stop
Eating/drinking too much
Choosing to take a significant career break whether you are a parent or not
Choosing not to take a significant career break as a parent (working mother guilt)
Not having a career strategy
Not being ambitious enough
Being too ambitious
Speaking or laughing too loudly in the office
Not cooking proper home cooked meals for the family
And the list goes on .....
Guilt can be contradictory, convoluted and complicated. Lots of examples in the list above of damned when we do, and doomed when we don't. And then you feel guilty, or possibly even stupid, for having these contradictory feelings of guilt!
But importantly it's a huge list - hence the burden.
Brené Brown said
“Guilt is just as powerful, but its influence is positive, while shame's is destructive. Shame erodes our courage and fuels disengagement.”
But I suggest that when we are overwhelmed with guilty feelings for too many items, that it leads to feelings of shame. That too much guilt might be the thing that moves the needle on the dial into the danger zone where executive women head back into the realm of underestimating themselves, downplaying their achievements and leaning out, not in or up.
The Stereotype Effect is alive and well for executive women and stronger for women than men. Studies suggest that when we're reminded of our femininity we are more prone to performing to the stereotype, or feel guilty if/when we don't.
IT'S NOT ALL BAD
There are benefits in feeling guilty. Research tells us that despite what you might imagine, the reward centres in our brain light up when we feel guilt and shame (weird, I know! But at least you are doing something about your problems, not ignoring them).
Then even more research demonstrates that guilt helps with empathy and building and maintaining relationships, with one study finding that while shame was linked to personal distress, guilt was linked to perspective taking. Is this then why "the feminine" is said to be better at emotional intelligence and relationships?
But when the burden of guilt becomes overwhelming and possibly even for contradictory issues, it runs the risk of becoming a Catch 22 and a waste of energy. It's distracting, draining and keeps us playing small.
BE LIKE TEFLON
Have you heard the expression "like water off a ducks back" - where hurts and infractions slide right off? Perhaps we need to embrace that more fully.
Much easier to do when you are deeply connected to your sense of purpose and why, or have your eyes on the prize. We know that the modesty effect is depressed when you are deeply connected to your sense of purpose, so why not the stereotype effect as well?
So next time you start to berate yourself for eating that extra Tim Tam, instead of feeling guilty, keep your eyes on the prize and practice being like Teflon.
Then remind yourself of the benefits of feeling guilty and then simply get on with the business of being great again!
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